Category: Dating and Relationships
So has someone ever cheated on their partner with you? did you know about it? if so, what made you decide to be with them anyway? would you do it again? why or why not?
Ok, this should be interesting!
I was sort of the other woman in college, although technically the guy was no longer with his girlfriend. Let me explain. My college roommate met a guy fall quarter and started dating him. They broke up at the beginning of spring quarter because Steve wanted to date someone else. I hadn't been aware of it, but it was me he wanted to date. So my roommate acted like she was OK with it, but once I actually started seeing Steve, she turned into a stalker. She wanted to know where I was and/or where Steve was every minute of every day. She started meeting me outside of classrooms to walk back to the dorm with me, and if she didn't know where I was at any given time, she searched the entire dorm by knocking on every single door. If she didn't find me there, she went to the library where I had started spending more time just to get away from her. It was crazy, and I had to stop seeing Steve. As soon as I did, my roommate started acting normal again.
Oh jeez, the guy didn't do anything about it?
I've done it with a couple girls. I'd say I did it because I didn't care about her main relationship, except for a slight thrill it gave me, to be honest. At the time, it was also a good excuse not to get to close to her, as far as a real relationship. I don't think I'd do it again, cheating is a cycle I'm trying to break, for myself and my partners.
Typically, if someone cheats on their partner to be with you, it means they will cheat on you with someone else and then leave. It's a pattern that people can get in to. People are so insecure with themselves and being alone that they will not leave one relationship until they have secured another.
I'm curious, why the curiosity?
And yes, I have been the other.
Then, I turned into the One.
Very rocky business.
Dan, to answer your question, Steve did try talking to her about it, but she denied that she was stalking me or checking up on him, even though we both knew she was. She was always going to his room to see if I was there, and his roommate was as sick of her behavior as I was. Breaking things off with him was easy because the relationship never really had a chance. We never got to spend any quality time together because of her stalking, so it was easy to just end it. But he never got back together with her.
Scot, very true information in post 4. And yes, I have been the other as well. That was a few years ago. I did it because I'd been attracted to the guy for some time, his girlfriend was a bitch that I didn't like, and they were having problems and on the verge of a break-up anyway. They did end up breaking up, though not over the cheating thing, but the guy and I never did date each other. It wasn't right of me to do, and I don't plan to do it again.
Ok sure, I was just curious, no specific reason. I don't really know the social fabric of the zone all that well, so it was just a question, that's all. Thankfully, there isn't any exciting personal story behind this. Well, not really.
And, fuster cluck is right on--if they can do it with you, they can do it to you.
Being the other can be fun, passionate, and really great. But, I would warn against transitioning from being the other, to being the one. These types of relationships are quite often very stormy, crazy, and often lead nowhere.
With that said, I think being the other is fine, as long as things are kept discrete and everyone knows what the relationship is, and what it is not. If it is purely sexual, then it should stay that way. If it is going to be a long term affair, then it needs to be well thought out.
And, if it’s just an excuse to make a scene and break up with someone, then don’t bother, just do the right thing, get things over with already and then start new.
so your saying it's ok to help ruin relationships?
Look at it this way, everyone may cheat at one point or another in their life, but not everyone is a cheater. If you just happen to hook up with someone who is a cheater, then they would cheat on their partner whether you were around or not. Why not enjoy this person for what they are worth, which is probably a short lived good time.
How would you be helping to ruin a relationship? I did state that if you are looking for an excuse for a brake up, and this is the reason why you’ve gotten into an affair with a third person, then you probably should just not cheat at all.
I also said to be discrete about things.
Sometimes, cheating is ok. I know it sounds bad, but it is.
I know a woman who had an affair with a married man and did, indeed, ruin his marriage. His wife was devastated when she found out, and so were the kids. So being the other man or woman can ruin a relationship.
Um, wow, OK Sure, I'd be afraid to date you. I personally feel I was wrong to have been the other woman, which is why I wouldn't do it again. I don't see how cheating is ever okay. And you said, as long as everyone knows what the relationship is, and what it is not. but everyone does not, in fact know. That person's partner doesn't know, and that, among other things, is what makes it wrong in my opinion.
amen, sister dawn. Seriously, ok sure? do you think it's ok because you yourself have done it? or do you honestly believe it's justified? or are you referring to those circumstances where women are in abusive controlling relationships in third-world countries, who end up cheating on their partners because a legal separation isn't--for whatever reason--an option? somehow, I doubt that that's the situation you had in mind, but I never know with you LOL.
Oh, and saying that they're going to cheat anyway, so they might as well cheat with you is, in my opinion, a poor argument. It's like buying an alcoholic alcohol because "they're going to drink anyway" and you might as well enjoy a good night of drunken fun with them.
I'm not saying that it is something which should be acceptable, however, cheating is sometimes justified, or at the very least, at times, it can be rationalized.
Perhaps someone has been in a marriage for 15 years. They love their partner, but they want something new and exciting without having to leave the relationship. So, they cheat, and they get away with it and their partner does not ever find out.
I’m not saying that if the person I’m with tells me that they have been cheating on me, that I would be completely understanding; I’m saying that it’s not so black and white.
And, no, I wasn’t referring to those circumstances in which women are not allowed to leave their marriage for social or cultural reasons.
My answer here is purely jerktified.
So, if the situation that you mentionned is justified, in your opinion, if you were married for fifteen years and your partner (whom you were deeply in love with) cheated on you, that would be ok? after all, you said it would be justified in that instance.
I think a lot of people say cheating is OK in certain circumstances until they are the one being cheated on.
Agreed, Becky. While they are the cheater, it's justified. Let someone do it to them, and then it becomes not okay.
As someone who has been cheted on, even though twas along time ago and in a short, stormy relationship it's still no fun and puts you through hell as well as ruening your confidence and trust. I'd never do it as have had it done to me and now how it can scew people up
J
Oh, no, Cheating is never justifiable! There is no excuse to ever cheat! Wow! I say no more, the rest of you did a fine enough job, and, jerktified is right. Wow!
I just thought of something. I can't help but wonder, OK Sure. Do you truly believe cheating is justifiable in some instances, or did you simply wish to make this board topic more interesting, and knew how everyone would react to what you're saying? I could see that happening....
Ok sure, I can kind of see where you're coming from. I've been with my girlfriend on and off since high school, and during the first few years, I used to cheat on her a lot. I guess I justified it as the fact that it made some of my insecurities feel better, it's something that I grew up around, and it comensated for anything I might have been missing. At the same time, it brought me much closer to my girlfriend, and it helped me realize how fond I am of her. Now, it would bother me as all hell if she did that to me. Obviously, I don't think cheating is ok, but like you said, it's not all black and white. As I stated in my previous post, this is something that I'm trying to completely erradicate in my life. but this is my personal choice, based on my values, and how I think I would be most happy. a lot of this is dictated by our culture, our experiences, and again, what we think is right or wrong. There are also double standards involved, and that's just human nature. I guess it's all about finding the ones who share your beliefs.
I think that made sense.
Sister dawn, I wondered the same thing. And, hot perro, noone's denying the fact that you can't learn anything by cheating on someone--those people who have either cheated, or been "the other" in this thread have said that they learned from the experience. what's being argued is whether or not it is acceptable (though that wasn't actually my intent when creating this thread; it took on a life of it's own and turned into something quite interesting!!).
How fond of her you are Daniel? Do your feelings run so deep that you are fond of her? Maybe it's your choice of words, but I'd hope you'd love her.
I have never cheated, and hope I never will, but I believe that people only cheat because they aren't getting what they need at home, so isn't that an indication that you're not with the right person if you choose to cheat? Do you stay with your partner because it's comfortable? because you're scared to possibly end up with nothing? Is there more too it than that? I don't share well, so if it were done to me, I'd really struggle to get past it, and hope I'd never put anyone else through the things I wouldn't want done to me.
LOL, that's not the only reason people cheat! They could be getting everything they need at home, but still go out, and cheat, just for the thrill of doing something they are not suppose to, or, because they are not the type that can stay faithful, for too long. It's the whole, variety is the spice of life, type of mentality.
If a person recognizes that monogamy isn't for them, they simply need not be in a monogamous relationship, and tell their partners as such. It's really quite simple.
Bridgette, that to me is still the same thing. They aren't getting veriety at home. That means sex has become boring for them, and needs to be spiced up. You can certainly spice it up at home if the partner is willing. If not, then again you can't get what you need at home, and so on you go not getting what you need, so go out and cheat.
If someone where to cheat on me, I would be absolutely devastated, so I am not saying that cheating is ok as long as it’s not happening to me.
I agree one could be much fulfilled at home, not want to leave that relationship, not out of fear of being alone, or fear of not finding anything better, but because one truly recognizes that they very much like their relationship; and still go out, cheat, simply for a different sort of thrill.
It is a myth, that one person is going to satisfy your every desire, and it’s a common mistake we all make when we are looking for a serious relationship. Our partners may be those who can hopefully fulfill most of our desires, but what if there are some little things they just can’t fulfill?
I’m not saying that I am doing these things, I am saying, again, it’s not all black and white. Sometimes it’s obvious why a person cheats, and other times not so much.
As for the question of whether or not it is acceptable to cheat: I’d say that depends on your individual situation. If you will gain more then you will lose by cheating, then you might just think that it is. If you will lose more by cheating then you will gain from it, then the answer is no.
The other big issue to think about is whether you are cheating to get caught, which many people do without realizing it, or if you are simply cheating to release some sort of energy (positive or negative) and have no intention of getting caught.
“If a person recognizes that monogamy isn't for them, they simply need not be in a monogamous relationship, and tell their partners as such. It's really
Quite simple.”
How simple is it really? What would someone gain from telling their partner this? Remember, cheaters often look for partners who will allow them to cheat, and I’m sure we have all come across individuals who are in relationships with people who constantly cheat, and they never get the hint, or pay attention to any sort of patters which might lead them to conclude that they are picking cheaters as partners.
I know several people who aren't mmonogamous and they are quite honest about it. If you're going to have any amount of success in a serious relationship, honesty is probably a good way to go. And you're right--every single one of our needs won't be fulfilled by one person, but that's where loving someone comes in. We don't love people because they're perfect; we love them despite the fact that they aren't. And yeah, people cheat for all sorts of reasons, but none of them are acceptable ones, in my opinion. I'm releived, however, to read that you'd at least be devistated if someone were to cheat on you.
I do, I love her. I would feel the same, would our relationship fail, as far as caring about her happiness and well being. I've confessed to her all the times of being unfaithful, as part of me leaving that behind.
from what I've noticed, men and women view cheating differently. although, for the most part, they would agree that it's wrong, women are more deeply hurt if their man had romantic feelings for another, while men are more concerned with their woman having sex with another man.
I agree that men and women view cheating differently. I took a boyfriend back once who had cheated on me, and I just couldn't get the image of him with that other girl out of my mind when we were together, and that is what caused me to break up with him a final time. It just bothered me too much. He couldn't understand why it bothered me since he had apologized. He thought that saying "I'm sorry" took care of everything, but it didn't, at least not for me.
I have heard and am starting to believe that there are some people who just cannot be faithful to one person. In my opinion, those people should never get married. The article I read was complicated and talked about the brains of these people being wired differently than the brains of people who find it easy to fall in love and make a long-term commitment.
I agree, Becky. An apology most definitely does not take care of everything.
I have been the other woman, have been the woman cheated on, and have been the cheater. After being the woman cheated on like 3 times in 2 separate relationships, I just let it go and decided that the guys weren't worth my time. If they were to have someone who'd love them and care for them and give it all up for a little stupid sex fling with another girl, then they wouldn't get the love they felt as though they so deserved from me. They don't deserve it, and that'sthe way it goes. Being the other woman was just dumb. Actually, come to think of it, I wasn't technically the otherwoman. Ever. Being the cheater was also the stupidest thing ever. I was only the cheater because when I told my boyfriend at the time that this guy asked me out, he told me he wanted me to go out with him. "Just to see what'd happen." Yeah. Way to go, 13-year-old Sam. Even thoug I was 13, that action was stilll unjustifiable.